In last week’s blog I shared the writing exercise which Rebecca Petruck, my writing coach, gave me. She instructed me to think about, “the difference between rote description, and description that reveals something about the character. When you describe the external world around them, it has to be in order to reflect how they interpret it, what it means to them and how it feels.“
Rebecca also said I needed to infuse Lillie’s love for science into my story. Here is my first stab at addressing these issues.
I tackle the breakfast dishes taking
special care with Big Momma’s china cup. I trace my finger around the blue
doves flying over the pagoda. Big Momma used to tell me the legend of the young
Chinese lovers. They turned into doves when they eloped against the girl’s
Daddy’s wishes. A girl loving a boy when her Daddy didn’t think he was good
enough for his daughter? You can’t get
more romantic than that!
There’s a chip along the rim and the handle’s broken off a bunch of times. Daddy teases Big Momma saying he’s going to buy a new cup for her birthday, but she says her coffee wouldn’t taste right. The way she prizes that cup, you’d think a boyfriend gave it to her.
Here is my re-write:
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fill up the kitchen sink with water and sprinkle the soap flakes over the
breakfast dishes. I wash Bigmomma’s blue willow china teacup first, taking my
time, letting my fingers linger over the blue doves flying over the pagoda.
handle’s broken off a bunch of times. Daddy teases Big Momma saying he’s going
to buy a new cup for her birthday, but she says her coffee wouldn’t taste
right. The way she prizes that cup, you’d think a boyfriend gave it to her.
catch as she tells me one more time-because when I was little I demanded it
every night before going to bed- the legend of the young Chinese lovers. They
were turned into doves when they eloped against the girl’s Daddy’s wishes. Swells
of anger still push up inside as I remember the part where the father banishes
the couple from his palace. It was so unfair! The boy and girl were young and
in love. Her father had no right to stop them!
for the girl. My heart aches for that boy. I know precisely what it feels like
not to be good enough. Not because my boyfriend’s father tells me I’m not good
enough for Walter, my boyfriend. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. In his book,
Mr. Johnson thinks I’m as smart as Mr. Albert Einstein himself! He always shakes
his head and wonders about Walter and I being sweet on each other. I just smile
and say we’re like electrons and protons: opposites attract.
And colored. But when Daddy says that since I like science so much I should
study nursing, I tune him out.
Who wants to spend the rest of her
life emptying bedpans and wiping up vomit all day long? Not me! I want to do more
than that with my life. I want to be like Madame Curie. She discovered two
elements! Or maybe George Washington Carver who figured out more than a hundred
ways to use peanuts. Their lives
mattered.
who can change the color of his skin. So, I’m stuck. As stuck as that blue
willow Chinese girl.
it was the magic of their love that changed them. Or maybe some sort of good
fairy who waved her magic wand and turned them into doves.
their problem by becoming somebody different. No, modify that. They became something different in order to stay
together.
want? And even if I wanted to, could I?
of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen together, you get water. Never ammonia or salt or zinc. You can boil
it and change it into steam, or freeze it into an ice cube, but it’s still
water.
it, and put it up on the shelf, next to Momma and Pop’s.
who’s not happy becoming a nurse like every other girl at Second Ward High. Since
I don’t believe in magic wands or fairies. I have to figure out a different way
to get what I want.
Bravo, Carol! I find lots of science references and reactions to physical descriptions, like the teacup and water in the setting. Lillie compares events in her life with the tale of the characters that inspired the teacup story. This pulled me in and made me want more!
Thanks, Linda. Glad it pulled you in and left you wanting more. You are kind to write and tell me.
“Everyone knows that when you put two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen together, you get water. Never ammonia or salt or zinc. You can boil it and change it into steam, or freeze it into an ice cube, but it’s still water.”Love how you are showing the scientific way Lillie thinks. Keep on with it!
I like that analogy of the young lovers having to change so they could stay together. You'll be using that in more ways than one throughout the book!
Wow. It is so much richer. I feel like I really know the narrator, but I didn't feel that way at all on the first draft. Congratulations.
Thanks friends, for being my advanced readers!
This was a wonderful revision. I love the idea of adding her reaction to the settings and items and I wanted to read more. and definitely the analogy of having to change. A perfect way to weave this in your story!!Can't wait for your book to be completed!! You go girl!! Awesome…
Thanks Sheri. Now I'm trying to figure out how to bring it into chapter 1! Stay tuned…
Carol, I could definitely see the difference. I really like how you describe her anger swelling and then adding her scientific descriptions of how she sees things. Thank you for sharing this!
Thanks, Kathy. I wasn't sure about that anger swelling part. WIll I see you at the conference? Hope so!
BRAVO! The science in her – it gushes forth in her indignation. So much richer!This next draft is going to be so amazing!
Thanks, Joyce. Now you see why I need to start over!
Bravo, Carol! I find lots of science references and reactions to physical descriptions, like the teacup and water in the setting. Lillie compares events in her life with the tale of the characters that inspired the teacup story. This pulled me in and made me want more!
Thanks, Linda. Glad it pulled you in and left you wanting more. You are kind to write and tell me.
“Everyone knows that when you put two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen together, you get water. Never ammonia or salt or zinc. You can boil it and change it into steam, or freeze it into an ice cube, but it’s still water.”Love how you are showing the scientific way Lillie thinks. Keep on with it!
I like that analogy of the young lovers having to change so they could stay together. You'll be using that in more ways than one throughout the book!
Wow. It is so much richer. I feel like I really know the narrator, but I didn't feel that way at all on the first draft. Congratulations.
Thanks friends, for being my advanced readers!
This was a wonderful revision. I love the idea of adding her reaction to the settings and items and I wanted to read more. and definitely the analogy of having to change. A perfect way to weave this in your story!!Can't wait for your book to be completed!! You go girl!! Awesome…
Thanks Sheri. Now I'm trying to figure out how to bring it into chapter 1! Stay tuned…
Carol, I could definitely see the difference. I really like how you describe her anger swelling and then adding her scientific descriptions of how she sees things. Thank you for sharing this!
Thanks, Kathy. I wasn't sure about that anger swelling part. WIll I see you at the conference? Hope so!
BRAVO! The science in her – it gushes forth in her indignation. So much richer!This next draft is going to be so amazing!
Thanks, Joyce. Now you see why I need to start over!